Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Blogging Project Runway: Wannabe Stripper

If you want my future forget my past,
If you wanna get with me better make it fast...

Today's challenge brought me back to an old time and an old story. I was also very pleased that Richy Rich and Trevor Rains, the dynamic duo behind one of my most beloved labels, the Heatherette, got to judge this show because they were the perfect people to do that.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far way there was a girl who came to a land from another land. The girl wanted to be a costume designer and a famous choreographer. She was a brilliant choreographer and designed the fiercest costumes the staid dance department at her religious University had ever seen.

But the girl was misunderstood. She found her world among drag queens and goth freaks and yes, strippers. And in that nightlife and that boogie and in the disco ni-haights, that girl who came from a land far away and whose first dream had been to be a mambo dancer just like her grandmother had been, because she loved sequins and feathers more than RuPaul and Chichi La Rue put toghether, was happy at last.

But in the process, the girl became extremely familar with the stripperwear and the spandex and designed black spandex thong-backs, trimmed with strass diamante with suspenders and belts made out of handcuffs. And she was very happy until she married an evil ogre who locked her up in a house in the 'burbs. One day she decided to become a healer and the ogre was taken away and she went on to live a strange and miraculous life and her story will one day be told with all details, when no more secrets have to be kept.

But suffice to say, gentle reader, that that girl, now a hot up and coming revolutionary and tasteful couturiere and an accomplished writer and scientist, is DEEPLY familiar with tacky clothing designed to tiltilate and be devoid of good taste by design. Mostly because the men who are supposed to be impressed by it are straight. And as we all know, straight men don't know shit about fashion. Unless they are Italian or Russian.

So without further due lets wrap our legs around the pole, get some momentum and see which designer actually gets to do a table dance for me... But since each of the wrestler/strippers also had a distinct personality, I will associate each with pop music's most famous quasi strippers...


Scary Spice : Holy mother of god , this is so tacky... but of all the strippery and tacky this is one of the best. Chicken managed to keep it semi-covered and infuse a whiff of french perfume in the cloud of femenine hygiene spray/Designer Impostors fragrance that this challenge presented. The construction is impeccable and stretch lace is a bitch to sew. So Chicken gets to do a lap dance for me and gets a fifty dollar tip. BTW I would LOVE to see the sista kick cream-filled Berliner's ass...


Ginger Spice ( since she was the first to leave)....Chri-i-i-st....I cannot hate the outfit because it made it possible for Risky to finally go home. But really, the judges said it all. It was an knock-off Gucci orange bathing suit over fishnets.What else can you say? Risky gets turned down even for a dollar when he does rounds around the asspit floor. And since you really bugged me I will say goodbye.

Sweet P:

No Spice : This does not look flashy enough. Although sexy, this outfit will get lost in bright lights and is more bedroom than rink. The outfit just missed the mark and did not have enough pizzazz. Sweet P gets her pity dollar and gets sent on her way around the floor.

TAG Riff Raff Rami

Baby Spice : Crap... this looks like Barbie after she hooks up with Ken when they moved into a trailer park and they start operating a crystal meth lab... This misses the mark because the skirt is actually too demure and does not have enough sparkle. But Rami can do a table dance for me ANY time. He gets a 100 dollar tip just because he has such a sweet, sweet ass.

Sweet Sissybear:

Posh Spice: I almost fucking loved this... Like the Duchess and the Heatherette boys said and I agreee this looked kind of expensive. This was the only one that actually said costume to me.It was beautifully crafted and the attention to detail was great. Sissybear gets 3 private dances from me and I become a regular customer and a sugar daddy . Oh, and I buy him a bottle of " champagne".

Jillian/ Magenta:

Her character/personna was like the "Sporty Spice" of the bunch. This actually is almost identical to the uniforms that the chicks in "American Gladiators" wear.

Her boobies should actually stay in place when she is doing full nelsons and whatever not with the other stripperella chickies.

Make no mistake. Making these outfits and sewing spandex and shaping and designing dancewear and costumes like these is a bitch because they are double stretch fabrics and have to be done on an overlock machine. On top of that, they had to portray a character and perform a function and not fall apart and hold in the chickies with the enormous plastic titties ( just like Victoria Beckham's!) and that is no easy task. So all in all the designers did a decent job with these exercise in Verhoevenism.

So for tonight .It's time to get my tips out of my g-string, tip the dj, the bar and the house mom, get dinner at the Denny's and get my ass to bed. Until next week, if you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends and
make it last forever because friendship never ends

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